You Are Doomed. (Sign Here Please) (You Are Dead. Book 3) by Andrew Stanek

Author:Andrew Stanek [Stanek, Andrew]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor
Published: 2016-10-29T11:00:00+00:00

Chapter 16

Ian banged a gavel against the wood of Director Powell’s desk.

“As Vice-Chairman, I’d like to call to order this emergency session of the Committee to Murder Nathan Haynes. I will call the roll. Nathan Haynes?”

“Here,” Nathan said with his usual good nature.

“Salvador Strunk?”

“Here,” Strunk said.

“How did you get here, anyway?” Nathan asked.

“That is not at issue or on the agenda,” Strunk said tersely.

“Director Fulcher? Donna? Jeanne? Brian? The badger?”

“All absent,” Strunk reported.

“And that just leaves me,” Ian said. “I am here too. I’d better note that down in the minutes.”

He quickly jotted down some notes on Powell’s stationary.

Nathan, Ian, and Strunk were seated in some chairs they had borrowed from Powell and were clustered around the desk. Ian shuffled his hastily-drawn up agenda and coughed.

“Now, to recap, thanks in no small part to the actions of this committee, Nathan Haynes was in fact killed by a serial killer with a pistol on a bus outside city limits in Nevada, and although Mr. Haynes was not licensed to die in that manner, I think we can all take a moment to congratulate ourselves on a job well done on that score.”

“Hooray!” Nathan said.

“I would also like, again, as Vice-Chairman, to welcome to the committee our newest honorary member, Nathan Haynes. Nathan Haynes will be an invaluable member of the Committee to Murder Nathan Haynes. I think I can say with the greatest confidence that no one has done more to precipitate murders of Nathan Haynes than Nathan Haynes.”

“I’m very good at it,” Nathan confided to Strunk.

“Point of order,” Strunk said. “I would like to point out to the chair that it was not the Committee that was responsible for Nathan Haynes’ most recent murder, since our expedition - that is, mine and Donna’s, failed to secure Mr. Haynes’ death.”

“That’s true,” Ian said bureaucratically. “However, Mr. Haynes died attempting to find a way to remove doom from himself. Since Mr. Haynes is now a member of this committee and he died trying to find a way to lift the doom we placed on him, I think we can claim it as a direct success of our own actions.”

One of the huge advantages of committees is that they can be used to claim virtually anything is a direct success of their own actions. For example, the bureaucrats’ Committee on Nothing has been claiming everything good that has ever happened as an accomplishment, reasoning that it has happened as a direct result of the Committee on Nothing doing nothing. Anything they could have done to hinder the good things that have happened, they have not done, since they did nothing instead, so therefore all good occurrences everywhere in reality are part of their infinitely and constantly expanding resumés. On the other hand, all bad things that have happened are by definition something and not nothing, thereby disqualifying the Committee on Nothing - whose sole purview is nothing - from responsibility. Other bureaucratic committees, like the Committee on Everything, the Committee on The Entire

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